The month of May is National Masturbation Month, but you probably didn't know that because you're too busy wanking yourself senseless most of the time to have any idea of what's going on in the world.
But, you know what, all of that choking the chicken is actually good for you. Seriously. Scientists have even said so and they've never ever been wrong about absolutely anything.
A study published in European Urology has found that there's a link between men ejaculating regularly and a reduced risk of prostate cancer.
This wasn't some bullshit study either. The researchers actually tracked 30,000 men for almost 20 years to come up with their results.
Apparently men in their 20s who flog the dolphin at least 21 times a month (yes you do) were 19% less likely to develop prostate cancer than those oddballs who only masturbate seven times a month or less.
The study also showed that sexual intercourse achieves the same thing as long as you ejaculate, but let's not pretend we actually get women. One step at a time, lads.
Jennifer Rider, the study's lead author, told AP: "Ejaculation frequency is, to some extent, a measure of overall health status in that men at the very low end of ejaculation - 0 to 3 times per month - were more likely to have other (medical problems) and die prematurely from causes other than prostate cancer.
"Ejaculation and safe sexual activity throughout adulthood could be a beneficial strategy for reducing the risk of prostate cancer."
So, next time you convince yourself that you're going to get your shit together and sort your life out by going to the gym, just fuck it off. Crack open a beer, get the laptop out and load up Backstreet Bangers II. It's just as good for you. Alright, maybe not, but lets just go with it.
We can all wave goodbye to that shame and disgust we often feel after watching porn. Staring at the ceiling while we hear, 'hello darkness, my old friend' as well.
You don't feel shame and regret when you eat a salad, right?